Mah-dun Gal! Im listening to Ms. Fat Booty and Ms. Fat Booty 2 right now, in a cafe, its raining, got my chai (not Starbucks, but still good). For the moment...in this moment, Im chill. I wish I could hold chill moments a little longer than they exist. Chill, but Im mad tired tho, I just backed my bumper into a railing when I was parking. Im queen of parallel parking too so I know thats my focus being all discombobulated. I mean, it was already cracked, but now its all the way fucked up. Ahh well, I'll get a new bumper later. So I had fight or flight as a status on facebook...but its true to life. I'm on my last leg basically and Im trying to sit down with myself and rationalize staying in NY...continuing to struggle and bump my head against walls and closed doors or just take my cue that maybe I dont belong here and head back to my old stomping grounds. I understand that life is full of obstacles and its part of life to be tested again and again. and blah blah. Ive heard that. But I am only twenty $*U#*(? and I feel twice that. Not cool at all. I feel that at this point in my life I should be at a certain place where Im somewhat comfortable, somewhat stable. But Im not. That makes my spirit uneasy, ornery and just hands up to God fed up!(On & On-Erykah Badu)
Some people have told me well obstacles are apart of life. I KNOW THIS! For some reason folks wanna tell me about me, as if Im somehow absent....naw, I was there. They might mean well but it doesnt make me feel me all warm and fuzzy to be kicked when Im down. How is that possible someone other than yourself can know exactly how you feel? If they've been thru drama, might be a similar situation, but there are so many factors that make everyone's situation different from the next person's plight. Im not spoiled, never been kept. Working my ass off is all Ive ever done, I was born into it. My efforts to bring myself out of my current situation are not minimal. Ive been grindin' and stressing for damn near five years now. But seriously, a sista is tired, when i say tired, I mean emotionally I dont even have tears for whats goin on, cuz Im busy tryin to brace myself for whateva else that can go wrong. Im drained. I just want some peace. I little carved out slice of peace for me to lay these burdens I been traveling with down...ya know. Im all for people being happy. But there is a time and place. Know your audience, step outside of yourself, just be considerate. You never know what that person is going thru. Ive learned some folks are just oblivious, not necessarily that they dont care but they are all butterflies and lollipops and expect you to just get over shit and just drop your problems at the door and bask in faux happiness...or maybe their own. Even though inside you are teetering on the edge of a cliff with church shoes on. That maybe how some handle things. Ive done that repeatedly, put on a smiley face for someone else's own sense of comfort. Sorry to be the dark cloud in your sunny day, but Phuck that. It's exhausting. I cant turn my moods on and off. I would never ask that of anyone either. But that's just me. Thats one thing Im blessed to have be a constant in my life. The gift of understanding and knowledge. (Im gonna tell on myself I just mistyped knowledge, I caught it though. but isnt that like the ultimate NO NO when writing, to spell a word wrong that represents your intelligence?) Not my fault tho. I got my big ring on. It weighed down my fingahs, yeah thats it. Anyways, what you encounter in this process is not always good. But learning prepares you to not make the same mistake twice or to see things in people/situations that you might not have before.
(Lauryn Hill and D'Angelo-Nothing Really Matters)
The only thing is back home is like a black hole of unwanted pregancies, mundane jobs and cultural ignorance. Artist suicide basically. I dont know if I can take it. Im listening to folks say maybe you are supposed to be somewhere else. Maybe but that is not a financial possibility right now. Im not trying to take my brokeness on tour. This shit needs to stop. Im thinking where would I go anyway? New York was probably the only other state I ever cared to live in. Im not a sunshine girl so that was never really of interest. I was born and raised in the Midwest aaaannd 'm kinda ova it. I have my father who lives in NJ, yeah JERSEY as in 45 min away and he's into himself so much...he's not tryin to help his daughter out. Yeah Im puttin him on blast cuz its that phucked up! I guess its hoes ova clones. There's the mountains, nah too easy for my uncoordinated ass to fall off a mountain or get lost in the mountains and have this long drawn out search for me, which will end in me having to eat a live squirrel for survival, but Im a vegetarian so I cant, but im starving, so I eat some random berries, that arent really edible berries, they are bait for bears to find me later, disoriented and hallucinating...so they can mawl me to death, I end up being allergic to said berries, my face swells till Im unrecognizable, so when they find me they dont believe its me and Im still lost in the phuckin mountains. Wait...search? who am I kidding, they dont search for black people. But then... I could document my plight on my blackberry and have a special report called Black in the Woods: Struggle to Survive. narrated by Cornel West, And then I'll have my fam interviewed and expose the FBI for being biased and not looking for my black ass!
(I Want You-Marvin Gaye)
But alas I've been fighting since I got here 4 years ago. I dont know what bad energy I have following me but things have not been good. To be unhappy for 4, almost 5 years straight is not healthy. So I have a week of fight in me. If this week does not turn around, Im taking that as my cue to exit. Just alot of surprising interactions/realizations with/about people on different levels. Its not all bad, you learn from them. Makes you more aware the next time around. You put it in your life experience camel hump and you keep movin.
(Four leaf Clover-Erykah Badu)
So yeah, Im probably gonna write a blog at the end of this week, maybe later depending on where i end up at the end of the week. For now I am existing. Which is better than some, but its not merely existing that I want. I want to be happy, I want my family to be happy...I dont think that is too much to ask. Im just sayin....
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